The Key
unlocking mental doors
This week, after confessing some body image fears to my therapist, I left tempted to judge myself for what felt like “a step back” in my progress. I want so badly not to care about my appearance or worry about others perceptions of me. But some days that old familiar voice in my head that has told me, for decades, that a pretty face and slight frame is the most I have to offer the world, creeps back in.
Most days, nearly a year into my recovery work, I know without a shadow of a doubt that my appearance is the least interesting thing about me. So, it frustrated me to hear the words coming out of my mouth. They sounded so insecure and shallow as I told her I couldn’t envision a world in which I was ever able to completely let go of the pressure to uphold traditional, societal beauty standards.
But before I let the negative self talk settle into my bones, it hit me that perhaps making peace with my body is no different than writing. The process is not linear. When I write there is always an initial “shitty first draft” where I spill my guts onto the page in no particular order, with no clear idea of where my words will lead. The release evokes relief which is usually followed by overwhelm with the mess I’ve made. How am I supposed to make something presentable out of this? Then, like a true masochist, I read back over it-cutting, pasting, polishing until, suddenly, it fits together like a puzzle to form a more meaningful picture.
My thoughts shifted quickly to a journal entry written by my great grandmother. Something about a lock and a door, but I couldn’t recall the full sentiment of the piece. When I searched my photos and found it, it felt like her voice-ushering in from somewhere beyond this realm-to negate the voice working to convince me I'll never be fully free while existing in this one.
“A little thing happens and you are changed. It is like turning the key in a lock- as easy as that- and you pass through the door of what you were into what you are going to be. You may have struggled, beat your hands upon that same door in the effort to escape, then suddenly you do something- unaware, by accident-you get the right combination and presto! It swings wide and you are free again.”
The thought of some day seeing the pieces of the inner work I’m doing now come together to form a solid foundation of self assurance was overwhelming, and just like that, I could absolutely see a world in which the door I’ve been beating on swings wide and I am free again.
LISTEN
Dipped into Weezer’s playlist for some good female empowerment vibes to go with this piece…Don’t sleep on “Victoria’s Secret” if you don’t know it yet.
READ
I listened to this one on my way to and from Chattanooga this week and found it to be absolutely delightful. Ina reads the audible version, but I imagine reading the hardcopy (here) would be equally as entertaining. Her descriptions had me ready to pack up and head to Paris to renovate an apartment and bake croissants.
When my sister in law suggested Ina’s memoir, it reminded me of how much I loved listening to Brandi Carlile’s. This one I would definitely recommend on audible, as she often shares the stories behind her songs and performs them between chapters.
What are you all reading and loving this Summer? I’d love some new suggestions!
WATCH
We finally made it to the end of Your Friends and Neighbors and both loved it! Skimming through the Emmy nominations reminded me of a few past stand-outs I'd highly recommend if you haven’t watched yet:
I feel silly even mentioning White Lotus because there is always so much buzz around it, it’s hard to miss but it is my all-time favorite and I think this season may be the best yet. If you’re late to the game, I'm jealous. I wish I could start from the beginning without knowing the end and experience the whole thing all over again.
Adolescence was so heavy and depressing, but some of the most powerful acting I've ever seen. For some reason, we ended up letting the kids watch it with us- I guess thinking it could open the door to hard conversations- and it was fine in terms of having no real graphic content. I’m pretty sure they were both traumatized from seeing how hard my husband and I were crying from it at the end though. Not a great sell, but it was certainly an important watch for parents of teens and a stark reminder of how important it is to remind them they don’t have to navigate the difficulties of growing up alone.
On a totally different note, if you’re looking for something that gets you in the feels in the very best way, I loved every single second of this one and could watch it 100 times without getting sick of these two cuties.
MEMEWORTHY
THANK YOU
We’re off to the Superman movie but I hope all of you have a wonderful weekend! Thank you so much for being here and sharing with others you think will enjoy!
Love this piece, Ellie! It’s so relatable. I’ve always found it hard to strike the right balance between working hard towards something (recovering from past traumas, goals, dreams, etc) and punishing the hell out of myself for not living up to my own unrealistic expectations. I love seeing little graphics that show things like a stick figure walking on a flat line saying “what it feels like some days to recover” and then zooming out to a larger view where that’s actually just a tiny plateau in a huge mountain climb with “what it’s actually like to recover”. You’re right—not linear! Somewhat along that vein, I loved watching Severance recently!! I had not seen the first season, but when the second came out recently, it was all I could do not to marathon watch 24/7. So good!!